When I was a little kid, I wore a lot of frilly dresses. The tail end of the 70s merged with the 80s, and fashion wasn’t what I worried about. I liked the dresses with a bouncy skirt best. Ones that would twirl while spinning at recess, and I hated the ones that came up too high on the collar even if they did include cute rose pins. But as I got older, and recess was more than just spinning in circles to make my dress fly, my favorite looks became more casual. So casual that my cute mom once tried to limit the number of graphic t’s I could wear to school each week! The restriction didn’t last and I finished junior high with a vast assortment of black t-shirts, many with neon or Pepsi slogans. Sometimes both, it was the 80s!
Over the last few decades I’ve settled into my style. I am a t-shirt and jeans girl, although these days of working from home, I’m usually in sweats or shorts, depending on the season. I haven’t had to worry if an outfit falls within “business casual” parameters for five years now, and that fact is evident in my closet. With book signings coming up, and a closet now full of either sarcastic, political, or sarcastically political t-shirts, I decided to try letting a stranger dress me and see what they came up with. Wowee, was it a disaster!
I filled out a questionnaire and gave details about what I like, what I don’t like, and what special occasion I was dressing for – a July social event for a book signing. I said I like dresses and skirts, I prefer breathable fabrics because I have sensitive skin and because it’s hot as can be in July. I specified I did not want jeans or denim, I don’t like fussy sleeves, and long skirts and pants are hard to fit because I’m short and my legs are extra short. I answered questions about colors and accessories, crossed my fingers, and hit send. Afterward, I told my husband I wasn’t sure they’d asked enough questions to get started, but I was hoping for something fun!
When the box arrived a few weeks ago I knew immediately that my fashion experiment had failed. I opened the box to one sheer grey shirt that would require layers in July. One black cropped button-up shirt with filmy, fussy sleeves, a black knit 3/4 batwing sleeve shirt that was, for someone like me who doesn’t feel I can properly move my arms if my long sleeves don’t graze my knuckles, akin to a straightjacket. A black chiffon dress with multiple layers of fabric that hit a weird spot on my short legs because it didn’t seem like it was trying to be short or long, was kinda cute but not right for my height, and not something I would have picked up for myself. The disappointment was immediate, but it was the rest of the box that sealed my decision to return the whole lot.
For bottoms – even though I’d requested no jeans, no denim, mentioned skirts, and that I liked showing off my leg tattoo – I received a pair of bright pink, acid washed skinny jeans and a pair of black cargo pants. Jeans and cargo pants. That’s what the stylist picked out for a summer box that requested skirts, but they weren’t done! There was also a three-button white knit cardigan! A fucking cardigan. I didn’t even try any of those pieces on. Stretchy skinny jeans, no matter what color, don’t breath in a July heat.
As for the cargo pants, I’d like to make a point for all stylist out there. Short people and cargo pants do not go hand in hand. Much like the jeans in my closet that have intentional holes in the knees – those hit my shins. Big bulky pockets on cargo pants might hit some women at the thigh, for me, they’re at my knees, and the look is bulk where you don’t need bulk. Just holding each pair up to me, neither would fit without being tailored, which was a big reason I said no jeans, I’d like a skirt…
Needless to say, I put everything in their return mailer and took it to the post office the next day. I had to explain why each item was being returned and I was honest, especially over those last three items. Because it was returned, this trial run didn’t cost me anything other than time and disappointment, but would have been almost $500 if I’d kept it all. But those details that I did give – including height, weight(I didn’t even lie!), sizes, color preferences, seemed to have been completely ignored by a stylist who even mentioned the July book signing in their notes to me!
I’m not wearing a graphic t-shirt or shorts next Saturday when I get to meet readers and sign copies of The Myth Maker for the first time. I dragged my sweet husband to the mall and he helped me find a dress I liked, and then two more that I liked, and he’s said ‘Yes, I still think you should wear the first dress.’ no less than three times, so I know which one I’m wearing at least to this first signing. So if you come see me next Saturday at the Barnes & Noble in Sandy know that I got dressed all by myself! My hair on the other hand….